On those days when I feel like superwoman I feel like God’s blessings sit inside the confines of a huge box. I tell myself that because of who I am, who I’ve become and what I’ve done, He’ll give me this much love. He deems me worthy to deserve this much love.

                   
Time goes by and as my failures, slips and letdowns stack up as high as the ceiling the box I’ve fit God in slowly shrinks. I then proceed to tell myself that because X or Y happened I am no longer worthy of Z amount of blessings. So the box shrinks, I do my calculations and I think I deserve less.

Why do I insist, even after receiving gifts far beyond my worth, on putting limits to God’s capacity to love endlessly? My faith should have no boundaries but there are times when the logical answer leads me to put Him in a box - as if I’m trying to measure the immeasurable.

It was never and is never about who I am, but who He is - not what I can do, but what He does through me - not how much I can love, but how He loves.

I guess I really need to start thinking outside the box.

There’s always an element of fear with change, and much of it has to do with the fact that change includes factors of the unknown - how will this change affect me? how much will I have to sacrifice, if at all? what happens to the plans I already set? will things ever go back to “normal”? I for one never really liked the idea of change because it meant my plans would be shaken (and believe me when I make plans I set them to the FINEST details).

Some people don’t embrace surprise either regardless of whether the nature of it is good or bad. It can be a surprise party, surprise visit, surprise quiz, or a surprise gift.

When left to think by myself I found that lately some of these notions and questions have run circles in my head:

Everyone around me seems to be getting engaged, can’t I just magically KNOW who I’m going to marry and when it’ll happen so I can just lounge around until then?

I’m back in school yet again and things aren’t getting any easier, wouldn’t it be nice if life fast forwarded to the point where I land my first great “career job”?

God has an intricate plan unfolding before me, but won’t He just tell me His will in nice easy steps so that I don’t have to figure it out but just follow it?

There is an element of surprise in every decision, in every change, and in all things unknown. There is however, I believe, great beauty in the unknown. Lately I’ve tried to consider all these little surprises as gifts, of a different sort - Gifts given to us by the One who holds all the unknowns. As long as we stay true to our calling and discernment, I do have faith that every choice we make leads us to turn towards another gift - a gift with an unknown element of surprise that only God knows where it will lead to next.